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There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
United Steaks of America
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
🤣😂🤣
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream