coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
You Might Also Like
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Terribly Tuesday.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Confused owl: What?!
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”