When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
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professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Why soy sad?
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk