Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
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[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
The Backseat Boys
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.