Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
You Might Also Like
every college guy’s fridge
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Google Pay be like:
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up