running feels great unless you compare it to not running
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Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.