I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
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Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Squirrels before girls.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?