[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
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Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget