Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
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It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
you gotta be faster
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
23. the denim jacket
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.