How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
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To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
Bread puns are on the rise!
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library