None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
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I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
oh good, now I can stop drinking
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
I have half a mind to…
Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent