same vibe as tangled headphones
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[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes