[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
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Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
“OMGJK” -atheists
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me