99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
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Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please