JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
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Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
How to wake up a Beagle
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools