Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
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I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”