#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
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Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
There’s only one good girl here!
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.