Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
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I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
When he asks for feet pics
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Traveler’s camo
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked