I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
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[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
No way!
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
I laughed at this way too hard.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream