I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
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Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.