The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
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Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
[at the general store]
me: one general please
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.