If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
You Might Also Like
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Haha! 😂
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?