My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
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Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
A short story about romance.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”