Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
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My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
😆this is so true
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto