If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
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I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast