the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
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Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Challenge accepted.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm