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Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Life is a suicide mission.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.