*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
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Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.