I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
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I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what