Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
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[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.