mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
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One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Hey i am sexy to you now
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]