6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
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so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.