Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
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The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook