[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
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Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best