“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
You Might Also Like
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer