A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
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Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
My dress code is business-casualty.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.