snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
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Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Saturday
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.