Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
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Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.