[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
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Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Banderslack Clamberdorch
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.