INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
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Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
waiting for halloween be like:
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
I feel it
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
why would tinder want me to say this