[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
You Might Also Like
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
is it earth
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.