[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
You Might Also Like
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
I would like even faster food.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?