He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
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Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
My neck my back my allergy attack
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
This kid is going places
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.