Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
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[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?