My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
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(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
concern
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.