TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
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Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too