THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
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Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?