I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
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My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
This is a true ally.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
How actors in movies eat their food
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?