For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
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Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”