23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
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If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
im all 3
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.